with "Why"

your musk hangs thick on these threads....

these Lines of brown and yellow...
faded...

so faded...

so sad,
my eyes..

I hope you can hear my thoughts,

I feel so far away from you...

though you only live ten minutes away...

a sadness...covers all inside me..
silently burning holes in my heart...

that perhaps when I'm older,
I will try to fill with a white happiness I can only find at three am on the corner of sackville and grafton.....
"Why" has ached inside for years...
not just the yellow and brown sweater,
but all my sweaters...
every one of them.

even though they have long ago faded away into less than dust.....

but I will always remember....
and I will always burn....

with "why"

Winter Wanderer

The Travler 1

On this day ,

the sun is so bright.

I open my door and step outside,
the wind catches my caramel fine hair and whips it round my face......

this light,

It hurts my eyes, as if it is my first time outside in weeks...

I can't help but squint, but I want to let every bit of that light inside me.

I haven't fell like this in a while....

a breath escapes my lips...

I gasp at the beauty ..

that is all around me.

The snow is every where. Ice covers every branch and electrical line...
the sun reflects throu it all and radiates its light.....


I am nervous, so I am glad for the fine weather...
It is a good day.

But It will sour soon enough.

I step up...and begin my journey...

I hope I never return...

More beautiful things await me,
in the darkest, farthest regions away from here.

That

is where I long to go....

here again...

and you know what I mean....

but it's nice this time,

as it often is..

relaxed,

with my good friend Les,
Not thinking about too much,



cause that would be a waste of time..
nothing to solve,

just lots to contemplate,

life,

and everything about it...

I love you......

Christmas Is coming...

And I suppose I feel very excited as I am surrounded by many positive things...
But I am not doing anything anymore.
I don't want to work, but I do. I'm nervous of new things and realize Since my release from the Military, I have'nt held a job down for any longer than 10 months... in three years

And I think that is bad...or is it.
Does it matter. Noone else but me really cares or thinks about it...
So does anyone care about me?

I don't use half as much as I use to, but I feel less than I was when I was using...
I can't understand.
So I think, everything will change if we start a family. Where I will be kept busy for years....
Sometimes I still miss the military....
Sometimes....I don't...

Sometimes I miss who I was...
Sometimes I don't ....

I have no clue where to go from here, and I don't even want to go anywhere anyway...
I just wish the guilt would go away...
all the guilt..

This is my refuge.

My place to hide,

I can put the words I hear in my head,
here to lay on these pages....
where he,
and noone can find them.

What would they think if my words were to find them?

but for now they are silent and loyal.
They will not betray me...

not like they have...

The pain today is mine again,
and mine alone.

I know they will always ask,
"well what is your pain,"

None can understand my hurt.
for it is my own design..

I wallow in my past.
And most times, I love it.
I can close my eyes
and there I am...
where I truely long to be...

Where I could never be....

Because this life will not allow it...

so....