eating my dreams..

man, its so tense inside my head right now. feels like i won't make it.

really though

My brain will short circuit and I

won't be able to breathe......




folding back into myself

I grasp the floating lies above me
searching for myself in it all

there I only chase the black that
never sleeps

there i fall

is it hard for you when it sounds like that
does it keep you awake too?


so awake

in the pitch black

of my anticipated turmoil

where could you and I possible go
when we're trapped in yesterday?

facing forward,

crying

the stars swallow us into the abyss

of our nothing

missing my lady

what?

if you only had any idea of the insanity inside my head...

they'd lock me away for good.


and certainly through away the key ..
or give it to some German pharmaceutical company to carry out chemical experiments on me.


as Craig put it,
endless tunnels twisting every which way all leading nowhere or often right back where they started...

but its pretty colorful inside though!!! :)

I feel hopeless and hopeful all at once.
optimistic pessimist:(

totally fucked

I can't decided what I what to do

career

hobbies


I've got my fingertips dipped in so many bowls...
but it all seems pointless and a waste of time,

I feel like I cheat and lie to myself

but I feel so honest and real to myself

if I whole heartedly embrace my misfit self what would happen?

I deny, I change my mind, I go back to what I originally said and then I totally forget.
where is the beauty in this?

HA! I'll tell you, there most certainly is a challenge.

Do you know what its like to wake up to this head every day?


I love hating it and I hate...hating it I think..or what? what did I just say?

fuck...


Wish I could just win the lottery.

another sigh

my eyes unwillingly

slowly soak it all up

a Grey cloud hovers below

the twisted words you chewed up on me

now lay scrambled and unfit on the floor

a hissing venom; they wind themselves in coils

a black ooze, your loving whispers

constricting all color from life

nothing left
but the Grey cloud

that hovers below

Letters from love

You're amazing sweetheart...you are turning into everything I ever wanted from a companion/girlfriend. The way I look at it is I need a partner, almost like a business partner, to work with to make sure my desires, and lifetime goals, are met. You are doing more than you know to fulfill that void in my life that no other woman has been able to accomplish.

In fact, right now, you are more of the person that I want to be than I am. Help me, I need to be more like you!

I'm lucky,
Craig(Yeah the Park Vic Craig, you won me over)

divorce victim (the child)

I can't believe

its happening

all over again


but though someone else.

you spit out all your hatred of yourself on us

because you can't communicate

your frustration or your hate



to the ones who need guidance and love

needing patience

you could never provide

and we are

twisted and torn

warped and worn


losing faith

losing trust


in the one who was supposed to be

the one person who could help us see


who we could grow to be


but malnourished is our relationship

and we fail and fall and trip


relentless useless

endless pointless

our voices lost in all that nothing

Missing her

sigh of relief

The way I think today....

would obliterate my whole world four years ago......


Finally, as I have know it for some time know, my mind is free...


years ago...I still wondered.


I still wonder,

but I also know...


and oh the love I have for myself
Oh how I am my best friend and really

really


I feel so much better


but I am still lost



but aren't we all.



xoxo

hold me sweet
hold me dear
hold me baby
here comes the fear

the night is closing in on us
and
the wrinkles on your face
tell me I won't sleep well tonight

I won't sleep at all



think I'll go for that walk


tonight