not here...

for a moment I am reminiscing...
About a girl I once knew...
she loved beaches and listed to Goldfrapp,
smoked a joint once in a while and wrote lots of poetry about broken hearts
and families...but she smiled a lot....

I think thats because she had no idea what was in store...
that she would stop writing about poetry and visiting beaches.....

She would love night clubs and listen to house music...


She would go on to do many more things as well.....
but I can't write about that here......

times times times...
Hmmm.
It's been a crazy past six months....
Thinking back. Sept...
getting off that damn Cipralex....
Know I know, everything I feel, everyday is all me.
this is just reassurance of course...
I need to hear it, at least from myself....
looking back on your life. Progress or not, determined only by yourself...
It doesn't make sense to compare your life, choices therein and lifestyle with that of others...
We all do it so much. I still do it....What I should be doing, I'm 25.....where should I be?...

Ahh, that condemning word..."Should".
I should make sure I am happy. Satisfied with myself. Providing for myself and those I love.
But I worry that providing for others , financhially or emotionally(thats the big one).. is something I oft regret.
And I dislike regret...
but Why do I feel it?
Will I "regret" my party this weekend...haha maybe how I feel the next day, but if the ratio of awesomeness that occurs that night is more than the poopy of the next day...it should measure out....
Sigh. I can think, and I have to say, yes it all guys I can think of, who can not think about what they do in life and barl;ey feel anything.....I feel too much and too far and I can't stop it and it usually gets the best of me.
there is no cure...only choice.
to know and remember what it is that makes me "think" and to do the things that help me not to....and stay away from those things that do....
but I never can, and rarley choose to anyway...
Ah life...


"I turn the radio up a bit...
rolled the window down and took it in...
I 'm going to fast but I don't give a shit...
Theres something chasing me and I have to win...

It makes sense to forget what it takes.....

I found a bullet outside my door...
I think it's me it was intended for....

It makes sense to forget what it takes...."

thanks Hayden...you always help me lose that part of me for a while...

I am The "Everything"

So many happy days pass by,
so many smiles,
that I forget what that sadness was,
what was it again? I can't...remember.....

ahh, yes......
that.
Cold,
Empty,
Darkness....

It used to be the fire underneath me,
now you are.
Is that a mistake?
so quick to turn,
yet quick to turn back,
but all I need is that one moment....
where you let me see...that you are not as high as I sometimes imagine you to be.

But why do I feel this way...whatever,
I just need to remember,
that I am still the everything you say I am;
before you came into my life.....

The ghost of my love for you,

still haunting me sometimes…..
Like letting go all over again,

Songs I haven’t heard since our walks,
Foggy nights thru the grassy paths, and concrete parking lots,
we walked so slow, until the sun would just start to rise,
It was the best part of my everyday,

Sadness, as if I’ve lost so much more,
Perhaps I have….

Snow falls gentley,
And memories flood,
And I drown…..
I miss your sweaters
and the dinners your mom would make for you...
your bright ideas and our conversations that lasted for hours,

Your hearty laugh and charming smile….

I would think of nothing but you everyday, all day
A complete consumption of my entire being,
my love,
for you

but that was then,
this is now,

and there is someone else.

Someone I love very much.

So when times like this pass,
And they do pass,
I cannot help but think,
cannot help but imagine,
For a moment,
I remember your lips on mine and the moments we shared…