solitude

silver eyes suggest a sultry cry

golden stepping stones lead towards the door

between the highest mountain and the endless ocean floor

it may or may not open
to one who's heart is true

to one who is not you



the path is only golden then

to he with open eyes

and only she with a golden heart

and a sultry voice to cry


how will you claim your justice now?

How will you claim the blood?

the memories locked away
burst open from the gates and flood


there is no restitution here
no validation in this hour

make the journey on your own
take control of your own power.

Hello

Goodbye to ashes
goodbye to hardwoodfloors
goodbye to kencrest ave
goodbye to crooked doors

goodbye to nosey neighbours
goodbye to grapfruit cheers
goodbye to lazy futon sundays
goodbye to fights and tears

goodbye to elevators
preparties and the forth floor
goodbye to tiny garbage bags and
chad knocking on my door

Goodbye to Kuuface at my window
goodbye to baconies with a view
goodbye to broken dishes
and goodbye to you

goodbye to maybe almosts
short and sweet not long enough
goodbye to dancing long into the night
goodbye to calling bluffs

goodbye to hot and sweaty days
even hotter nights
goodbye to tdot clubbing
goodbye to fantastic sights

goodbye to oppressed options
goodbye ignorance
goodbye to shiney disco balls
and camo printed pants

Goodbye to weekend visits
rent and all that shit
goodbye to all the crap in life
that always makes me sick!

Goodbye to the beautiful
the loud and ugly and dark
goodbye to motorcycle drives
into the night and dark.

Hello to me and hello to you
hello to a blank new page
starting again with all I am
with all my rave and rage!

Double Down and Rock on!
2009 Bring it on!

Good bye 2008

coming closer to the end of another year,

the end.
the death of what was
and the birth of many things to come.

I remember how I came into 2008. Dancing long into the morning light with the Sultan and all my friends.
Coconut Groove....
Travis, Scoober, Jen, Juice, Melissa J, Melissa M,Sky and candice and so many others.
We were all exactly where we wanted to be. Together.
Messing around at Scoobers untill probably 9am.
Grabbing a cab back home to sleep and catch the Family Guy Marathon.
A Month l8r:
Moving out of my apt on Kencrest was a little heartbreaking, but with the prosepect of
this new life we were planning, It was worth the change.
In hindsight I suppose either way it was for the best.
Downtown life certinaly picked up and transformed. No more home after the bar
and trying to sleep. Admitting we were helpless to stop ourselves and giving in to our
self destructive curiously drivin unsatiable appitite for the party we started earlier with
pre-parties, a concept never givin any consideration given the circumstances at the last apt.
But there would be no noise complaintes here!

Onward! to the bar and...back again! forward into Saterday; a bat cave to keep us safe.
Tiesto to keep us sane.
Candy all weekend long.

Dancing, silly hats, disco balls and the discovery of Chad Clarke! My Make up artist!
A rare breed, and soon to become my best friend.

Parties! And Women Unlimited! The special carrear focus program for 12 weeks.
Those weeks changed my life. My perspective, my attitude and my expectations,
for my life, my relationships, and my carrear.

T wouldn't stop saying how we should break up so at some point early May, I called his bluff.

I was fine. I had all the girls from W.U everyday. That was my support system.

I can feel the difference now. Its harder to ever think about that kinda stuff.
I miss the ladies and wish I could see them all the time.

I found a great employer to work for and had an awsoem summer working at the top of
Main ave in Fairview.(Little did I know I would be living in a house with Mr. Theriault before
the end of the year, lol

Trav left to work out west. Came back for Tiesto and totally spazzed on me for hooking up
with Melissa J while he was gone.
I still will never regret that time. It was pretty near only two weeks, but I loved spending
time with her. If things had been different I would have certainly pursued a relationship
with her. She was great fun and we had a lot in common, but my heart was hard wired
for a male figure in my life for the "forever" in my life.

I also brought my wage up from 17 to 20/hr with my boss! Sweet!

So When Craig came along and I had had it with T I said what the hell. I had always
wanted to be with Craig. From two years ago wehn I had wanted him and basically
I am sure he treated his shoes better than me....
SO why go back to him you ask?

Your guess is as good as mine. Point is he treats me like Gold now.
And thats all that matters to me know.
We went to Toronto for two weeks. Adn confessed our love at a Club called Guverment
While staying at the Bondi hotel his dad hooked us up with. I met his Mom and Dad too.
Kinda awkward given the circumstances but Its awesome now.

I started School at NSCC and Craig moved into the apt. I ended up having to leave after
four weeks cause of lack of funding and went back to work full time. Which worked out
better. But maybe thats a piece of life that was never ment for me to experience.
I always seem to keep trying though. College university whatever, at least I try. At least I aspire.
And I'll always keep trying....


So a few months l8r Craig gets a morgage, for a three bedroom in Clayton Park.
And here we are.
I love it. I'm happy.

And I am ready for a re-birth.
because the new year is coming, and it is the time for change.
The time for new things.
New beginnings

a time to reinvent ones self!

2009 here I come!

Today I woke up with a snap, and my bed decided to swallow me whole. And quickly.
I was trapped instantly and felt that any resistance I could dish out would in the end prove fruitless.
SO I continued to sleep until finally, perhaps in my state of fermenting, my bed released its hold on me and I proceeded to escape. Spilling out onto the floor I scrambled for the nearest exit.

at this point it was 10 am and long past when I should have been to work. I had misplaced my phone and I thought it was for sure
I think my bed swallowed my phone too, fortunately for me I felt indifferent about it for some reason and instead made a coffee. Bones invited himself to the top of my kitchen counter, a good old friend and we conversed for some time.




It is hours later now, I have finished cleaning and will now hit the shower and prepare for an evening of thought.

The snow is so lovely here, but suddenly I feel a pang of loneliness....strange...I am not actually alone.


I am always here with myself...

School didn't work out,
back to work. but making a good wage.

Compleatly in love beyond what I had imagined.

With a man who has me at his mercy...
I forgot what real love was I think,

so much laughter,

smiles everyday.

respect,

thoughtfulness

a love to tender,

yet so hard.

as we can rock it out till the sun comes up,

but love so lightly....


I don't believe in any power higher or not, except my own,

so I must do everything I can to make it right.


C, you've got me babe, oh have you
got me.

ashes

Let go of your anxieties
Give them to him,
the pale man on the black horse

He will take them from you
He will take them from you


Let go of all your pain,
Give it all to him,

and he will take it from you
he will take it from you

Let go of your soul
Give it to him

and he will take it from you
he will take it from you

scream and hate and hate and hate and hate until it burns
untill it burns until it burns until it burns
and it will burn


and he will take it from you
and he will take it from you
and he will take it from you
and he will take it from you
from you
from you
from you
from you

M. Oakley (C)

I'll be in school this time next week.
Good to feel this change.

Feeling older for sure.
a sense of age..

"sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.."


can't explain one damn thing

explosive thoughts

just barley controled,
if anything, held back.

just barely...

like standing on the edge of a cliff
on a windy day...

This Time

Almost a month ago tomorrow..

He came back into my life.

Him
the one.

Craig Theriault.

I remember how it felt the last time.

In the begining anyway...
How I slowley began to fall ....

Right from the start.

Those eyes...
so solid and full of life...



but he didn't feel like that then...

and I ended up chasing after a shadow....


It is always heartbreaking

to have to let go

of someone you care about...

and even more

to let go

of someone who never cared for you...

and never knew how much you really cared...

or loved....

I had just bought that new Hinder album. I totally killed "shoulda", "By the way" and "Better than me".


Who was I anyway?

To come into his life

and demand my feelings be recognized

when he was only trying to figure out his own.





Everything ultimatly worked out for both of us though.

And here we are.

Even better than before,

and open

feeling everything

sharing,

experiening

exploring

planning together...

loving together....




This time....

I hope is the last time.

oh thoughtless reckless heart
what do you ask of me?

a searing hot voice inside
calls me to run

to run away

to let it go
and never know

what it could have been


and to think

....

hard to know how to feel
whenI can't be sure what part is real

it's not fair
that I can't stop
and your smile makes me laugh

I can't pull away when your
holding me so tight

but I suppose I could always run

run away

and let it go
and never know

what it could have been

Lust

And there you are again,
just like before

now you've got me

just like before

hard
for you

hot
for you

feeling like a poison

I can't help

but taint everything
I thouch

even you..

but it was you who touched me
that time so long ago...

Eyes

as is

I have always thought, always believed,
that when it was time,
"He" would be so wonderful.
I always wanted to have a special relationship.
I always believed that my "final love", the one that was supposed to last forever,
would be a very special one.
it would happen unlike the others,
It would be intelligent, stimulating,
loving understanding and passionate...

How can ever believe this again.
There is no real specialness in anyone.
In anything.
No no, I'm not being bitter.
when you really think about it,
I'm right.

It could be anyone, and happen any way,
but it won't.
Especially not for me.
That is the cold hard truth.

And I am beginning to gratefully accept it,
and be appreciative
that I can see the truth
and go about my life
the best way I can from here....
Taking it as it is
without the specialness...

pathetic.

but I don't care

I am only human.
I need to feel need.

so what.
so sue me.


fuckers...

Black bird

call my name
turn away

never say
never say

call my name
turn away

hating this today


black bird
black bird

beautiful evil
poision me today

black bird
black bird

leave me here to die
leave me here to stay

call my name
turn away

never say
never say

that you would stay

hating this today

wanting to runaway

black bird
black bird

black bird
black bird

The search inside

What am I supposed to be?
a song
a dance
an expression of what I cannot describe

when did I lose my way?
how did I get this far

can't go back now its too late
but I'm fine right here
there is only forward to go

what should I do
these words fall out of my mouth
laughing our all of my anxiety's

It will always be
the search inside

Lovers Sunset

I have to write this now.
For depth must be released...


Oh Baby I can feel you,
your a hundred miles away
but your voice draws me nearer..

closer and closer you pull

you tell me all these words I hear,
music to my ears,
I always dreamed I'd find someone like you.
But not this fast.

I'm never been so unsure
of something so clear
but I have faith in time
so for now stay near

Don't be scared baby
theres no time for fear
we must live for today
we must live here

Time is short,
this may not last,
but I'm here in this moment
I can't live in the past

The energy thats here
can lift us both so high
but are we ready

Baby...

ready to fly

Just thinking

again

softly musing
just remembering

this place.
a white forever just for me

my mind lays freely here

I can drift from thought to thought
without a thought


a stretching bliss cloaked in invisible words
between the black and bold

my extravagant world lies

opened my eyes
like it was the first time

shot across the room
your smile
your eyes


the lies

Oooh baby I know your not the one for me
but
Oooh baby I can feel you inside already..
I can taste you from here
I can smell you coming...


pressing hard
staring down

rich with passion
close your eyes...

I've been down to long,

Ooooh baby I think your gunna set me free tonight..
And Ooh Baby I've got you in my sights

come inside , leave your inhibitions at the door
meet me on the checkered black and white

Where we will dance all night


....

and I did it,

I cryed every step of the way.

I practically dragged every footstep I took,

weeping
not wanting to go as if someone was pulling a child away from their mother,
I wanted to stop myself,
but know this has to be done.

cringing, a dull heavy crushing ache ,
ripping an endless void inside me...

But I went and I cryed to them and I stayed there.
in that safe house.
safe..

from myself.

safe

and I have to to this. I am cheating myself out of the life that we were all really made to live.
And Its incredibly huge, tthe effort it takes to REALLY do that.
To take FULL AND COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY of MY life.
It is me in the morning that I wake up to and It is just Me at the end of the day.
There will never be anyone else.
Lovers will love and grow away..
But it will always be just me.

So I must....

always

Just Be.

( I believe this was written when I escaped to BC. Stoped dealing and ended my casual escort position which I needed to tosuplemement my lifestyle costs when I did party. Just reflecting the relativity of my current dispotion in life.
The metamorphosis continues.Added Sun/April/3rd)

Dinner Time

did you know I love the loud music at a Club? I love the hard pounding beats. The Bass makes my whole body vibe in unision. I can't get enough when the time is right.

But then. I love the soft melody of a simple Piano tune. The Ghostly air of Bjork or haunting tunes of GoldFrapp. Portishead or Tracy Chapman. And oh Tom waits you make me shiver with such pleasure ;) Jazzy drunken piano whisky music... Hee hee


Ahhhhh


I love black. But oh I love white too.


I want it all at the same time.
Do you know how Beautiful it feels? to have that freedom? that I recognize the talent in a song or piece of music, and that is what attracts me to it. (If you can feel the passion behind the song.)
ie the emotion the artist origianlly felt or had about the piece.




I can get sooooo caught up in it...

Uh oh. Pastas boiling..


;)

I watch you move...

I watch you

watching me...

and you like how I sit,

with my hands over my face....

cause tonight..
her we are again...

in the darkness of this hallway

blowing up again...

chocking on the pain

and I feel so drained....


I can't feel anymore,
like I used to

you won't even let me sleep......


and I'm so

so tired....


so tired
so tired

I believed you would...

I trusted....you

but I really

Left it all up to me...


so I guess I can't be mad

if I never

believed you anyway.

You know how I think?

I believe that no one is above anyone else.

More blabber from the dawn

Waiting,
for the aftershocks.
Knowing they will come,

but only after I stop thinking about it.....

Should I leave this place? and run?
I might get caught in this swirling disaster...

I feel akward and clumsy. I know I may not make it,
I might fall, and possibly sprain my ankle...

Then I'd really be screwed..lol

But seriously. Its so close.....you know...
I could just ...do it.

It would be so exciting....
ah ..
we will see

Thoughts for Thoughts?...

Taking some time off again...

We've been going down town, playing these games every weekend now this year....

You get a sense of split personality....

Wild and livin on a bit of an edge....late nights, party smiles and dancin till the sun comes up....

but with that commitment you lose your "me time"

Working all day by the time I get home I don't feel like much,
I suppose it may be the end of my winter blues, I dance it all out on the dance Floor..jeeze there where two weekends in a row..no three, wherewe were partyin all night both nights!

Ahh, good times thou.

Spring is just around the corner with the Promise of long days on my skateboard
and smokin on the commons layin on the grass watching clouds roll by...

blasting Bjork and Portishead throu my earphones, lost in my own world ..
thinking about possibilities and dreams...

I can't wait for Evolve 9!!
I can't wait to go camping, swimming at Chocolate Lake, Biking around the city walks on the Wharf downtown!!!

Ahhh life. Sometimes so rich with color and opportunities and endless possibilities...

I hate the days I can't see all those things....... and I have them often, but comfort and tolerance comes form knowing that we all go throu this...


;)

Cheers

Love :is something you can never have.

The watcher

encompassing her..

deep dark..
rippling inside her..

shaking her..

awesome brilliance exploding

unfathomable distance so close

taking a step forward

gazing out,

up

unto the foggy clearing night

a sliver of moon dangles in the sky.

leaning closer to edge..

the little cars so far away.

tiny people go about their lives...


bustling beeping
drooling screaming
messy demons

smiling razor sharp
teasing the sky with her hair

anticipation rumbles like an earthquake

soon......

..and to hurt...

minutes peel and fly away ...

these hours sting
like jelly fish in the ocean at my feet.

I can't see your face, there is too much black this time.

but nothing can stop you now...

your so far away now.

so far away
so far away

so far away from me..

where will you go tonight?

I try I try
I cry I cry.
I plead with you to stay...

but still you walk, still you run away..

like a dream I try to call to you..

but I can only whisper....

I can only watch you leave.

so far away
so far away
where will you go tonight?

Nothing

I feel like I am a rubber band. I am stretched too far and I am about to snap....

But I am so scared of what will become of me.

Only a short time ago things were looking bright and optimistic....
Now I feel like.......

Like Nothing....

like nothing will help......










and I can barley look at you,
but every time I do...

I feel the pain I've put you through...

I've hurt you .
I've lied to you.
I don't deserve you...

I hurt myself
I lie to myself
I don't deserve ...this life.

and to think I may not see you again...
brings forth an all consuming crushing pain..


but If I cannot save my own my own life...

I must spare those around me....


Time will heal your wounds

but nothing can heal mine.....

"I'm Selfish, Impatient, and a little insecure.
I make mistakes. I'm out of control
and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at
my worst, then you sure as
hell don't deserve
me at my best"
Marilyn Monroe

Misunderstood

standing there......

I wish I could cover my ears.


Your eyes are screaming at me

but those feelings are not meant for me

some long buried hate?

for someone like me

perhaps..

I know you ache to be heard.

So do I.
We all do.

but you can't hear a thing.

It's been too long.

But still,

my eyes......

they only water.

with frustration

I am helpless.

so are you.

We all are.