with "Why"

your musk hangs thick on these threads....

these Lines of brown and yellow...
faded...

so faded...

so sad,
my eyes..

I hope you can hear my thoughts,

I feel so far away from you...

though you only live ten minutes away...

a sadness...covers all inside me..
silently burning holes in my heart...

that perhaps when I'm older,
I will try to fill with a white happiness I can only find at three am on the corner of sackville and grafton.....
"Why" has ached inside for years...
not just the yellow and brown sweater,
but all my sweaters...
every one of them.

even though they have long ago faded away into less than dust.....

but I will always remember....
and I will always burn....

with "why"

Winter Wanderer

The Travler 1

On this day ,

the sun is so bright.

I open my door and step outside,
the wind catches my caramel fine hair and whips it round my face......

this light,

It hurts my eyes, as if it is my first time outside in weeks...

I can't help but squint, but I want to let every bit of that light inside me.

I haven't fell like this in a while....

a breath escapes my lips...

I gasp at the beauty ..

that is all around me.

The snow is every where. Ice covers every branch and electrical line...
the sun reflects throu it all and radiates its light.....


I am nervous, so I am glad for the fine weather...
It is a good day.

But It will sour soon enough.

I step up...and begin my journey...

I hope I never return...

More beautiful things await me,
in the darkest, farthest regions away from here.

That

is where I long to go....

here again...

and you know what I mean....

but it's nice this time,

as it often is..

relaxed,

with my good friend Les,
Not thinking about too much,



cause that would be a waste of time..
nothing to solve,

just lots to contemplate,

life,

and everything about it...

I love you......

Christmas Is coming...

And I suppose I feel very excited as I am surrounded by many positive things...
But I am not doing anything anymore.
I don't want to work, but I do. I'm nervous of new things and realize Since my release from the Military, I have'nt held a job down for any longer than 10 months... in three years

And I think that is bad...or is it.
Does it matter. Noone else but me really cares or thinks about it...
So does anyone care about me?

I don't use half as much as I use to, but I feel less than I was when I was using...
I can't understand.
So I think, everything will change if we start a family. Where I will be kept busy for years....
Sometimes I still miss the military....
Sometimes....I don't...

Sometimes I miss who I was...
Sometimes I don't ....

I have no clue where to go from here, and I don't even want to go anywhere anyway...
I just wish the guilt would go away...
all the guilt..

This is my refuge.

My place to hide,

I can put the words I hear in my head,
here to lay on these pages....
where he,
and noone can find them.

What would they think if my words were to find them?

but for now they are silent and loyal.
They will not betray me...

not like they have...

The pain today is mine again,
and mine alone.

I know they will always ask,
"well what is your pain,"

None can understand my hurt.
for it is my own design..

I wallow in my past.
And most times, I love it.
I can close my eyes
and there I am...
where I truely long to be...

Where I could never be....

Because this life will not allow it...

so....

Everything comes and goes. Smiles. Tears.
Everything. Nothing is forever
except the need
for something
to pretend to be.

Things to pass, and things to come...

The sharp cold wind whipping my hair into my face,

the icy rain matts it to my face..
or is it my tears..

I cannot think...

I can barley even see...

the blur, that you say is life.

This mis shapen dark force that cuts deep

deep
into me.

you keep cutting dear

deeper.

and deeper

....

soon

you know,
there will be nothing left of me.......
but your not the type to plan ahead

Wow,

looks like I was wrong.
Maybe I am not pregnant.
The test came back negative.

More tests tommorrow...but Why am I feeling all these things?

But now I question If I should....
all I can do is wait I suppose....


Like my world is turned upside down...

Hunter Valentine....

She always claimed to be a bad-ass girl
She said 'nobody can touch me, nobody can hit my world'
So I just stood aside and watched her fall to her knees
Until the day she stopped saying 'fuck you' and started saying 'please'

I just want to live in this world free
And I just want to be praised for being me
I'm so tired of following your standards of what to do
Who cares if I just met you, I know that I'm in love with you

So lay back and take a toke
And laugh hard at my joke
It's okay if you choke
Better luck next time

Now she's flipping through this world like it's an endless fashion magazine
And she'd die for her passion, but she can't find an in between
He always says he loves her, but she doesn't really care
'Cause the one she really loves would never dare

She takes a stroll through this park and thinks of impossibilities
She thinks how easy life would be, if she could live with the rocks
and the trees
She kills herself over the things she doesn't know
Like all the paths she could be taking and destroying her ego

I just want to live in this world free
And I just want to be praised for being me
I'm so tired of following your standards of what to do
Who cares if I just met you, I know that I'm in love with you

So lay back and take a toke
And laugh hard at my joke
It's okay if you choke
Better luck next time

And in the most desperate vicious moments..
People will do anything to "get" you...

"you'll end up a coke sniffing mother just like """"" and go around sucking dicks...."

I can often almost hear the snap and sizzle of brain circuits failing.

The insanity of these comments is extreme as they are random..and pointless,
except to cause some sort of emotional stress..

Sigh...


Pain

Maybe we were not meant to be...

Mistake?

Its so scary...
cause I only get one chance..

Am I making a mistake?

This one I will regret...
forever...

It hurts to live...
Everyday...

Can someone actually have too black a mind to find real happiness..

Yeah, Yeah. I know
Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy....Happiness is a choice. I've exersied all your "mind training" activities. I've been there. I was happy. I changed bad feelings into good. But should I have to do it my entire life?



Jesus......

Never

So another Sunday Morning…

Another.

I can’t understand….

What is so fucked up.

What is.

And

What is not.

But it doesn’t seem to matter….

To anyone else,…

How I feel about it all.

I don’t think it ever has.

Mattered that is….

SO…This morning in the shower, was your

Money as hard earned as it was an hour later in your fucking truck?

Jealous because I got a financial break.

And really my money is more hard earned than your. I sweat more and work harder than you physically.

I respect you and all your money……Why can’t you respect mine..

But that’s okay ....honey. (so Cold....)

And every time you screw around like this.............

You think you can hurt me like this every time and I won’t do anything about it?...............

I will be the most evil....

you've not ever imagined the likes of me................

And you’ll never be able to take the hurt away,.............................

So Fuck you...........................

Thoughts, thoughts and?

"I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring...............

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,............

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall,

to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?"

Nothing......

Every love I have felt,

I still do.

And always will.

Noone can stop me.

I may never act on these......fellings....

But I willl always have them.

my love is immortal.......

Nothing can destroy it....

Is that so wrong?

a family of deer I found. Pretty

ready now

I'm just looking back,
taking a second and really seeing..
who I was...even just six months ago,

T and I have been talking about it for a while..
I have been thinking about it even longer...

ever since that time this past July,
when we thought I was..

And I am ready to now...

This is Matt, Kevins oldest son. He turn 19 tomorrow, the 26th. The guy behind him is Mitch, he was temporary labor. Matt has a lot in him, strengths, potential that I don't think he sees. If he really focused, I think he'd be a great success. I suppose I may have a hand in it If I chose, I should, I owe it to Kevin......

cheese! Hapiness is good!

taking away from me..

so quickly as he entered my life, he was gone,

Kevin passed away last friday,19th,
The whole family was there...That afternoon,
Lesley watched him take his last breath...

I remember driving to work with him. We would get up and leave together...
Roll one up and have a puff on the way to pick up Matt from Bedford...

After a Timmies run and another puff with Matt, off we headed to clayton park for a days work as Tapers...

It was wonderful. We listened to my Fathers Oakley album..

Many weekedns we would chill at Lesleys with Mitch and some beer. Watch the football games from the balcony....pizza, Playstaion2 teken 4, ....Thats when the new radio station, Z103.5 came out, I remember that.
So high.....Lost in ourselves..
watching the stars....
Partys, nights out at reflections...
Work, no work..
Smoking all day...
Crisp cool air , fall was setting in...
Working on Chebucto Rd, Lesley working with us.....
Kevin would insist on drivin me to Park Vic when I would head out for the weekend....
We'd listen to Rock n roll Gypsies....we lived it all..

I miss you so much now, I never got to talk. I never got to apoligize for how it went bad.....I never got to say thank you either...
I procrastinated...I thought I had more time....
But I knew,
And I know,
That time...
is something we really dont
have a lot of...
I love so much...and it will hurt each time I lose that love...but this is inevitable.....
This is life...
So real.
so raw..
...

not here...

for a moment I am reminiscing...
About a girl I once knew...
she loved beaches and listed to Goldfrapp,
smoked a joint once in a while and wrote lots of poetry about broken hearts
and families...but she smiled a lot....

I think thats because she had no idea what was in store...
that she would stop writing about poetry and visiting beaches.....

She would love night clubs and listen to house music...


She would go on to do many more things as well.....
but I can't write about that here......

times times times...
Hmmm.
It's been a crazy past six months....
Thinking back. Sept...
getting off that damn Cipralex....
Know I know, everything I feel, everyday is all me.
this is just reassurance of course...
I need to hear it, at least from myself....
looking back on your life. Progress or not, determined only by yourself...
It doesn't make sense to compare your life, choices therein and lifestyle with that of others...
We all do it so much. I still do it....What I should be doing, I'm 25.....where should I be?...

Ahh, that condemning word..."Should".
I should make sure I am happy. Satisfied with myself. Providing for myself and those I love.
But I worry that providing for others , financhially or emotionally(thats the big one).. is something I oft regret.
And I dislike regret...
but Why do I feel it?
Will I "regret" my party this weekend...haha maybe how I feel the next day, but if the ratio of awesomeness that occurs that night is more than the poopy of the next day...it should measure out....
Sigh. I can think, and I have to say, yes it all guys I can think of, who can not think about what they do in life and barl;ey feel anything.....I feel too much and too far and I can't stop it and it usually gets the best of me.
there is no cure...only choice.
to know and remember what it is that makes me "think" and to do the things that help me not to....and stay away from those things that do....
but I never can, and rarley choose to anyway...
Ah life...


"I turn the radio up a bit...
rolled the window down and took it in...
I 'm going to fast but I don't give a shit...
Theres something chasing me and I have to win...

It makes sense to forget what it takes.....

I found a bullet outside my door...
I think it's me it was intended for....

It makes sense to forget what it takes...."

thanks Hayden...you always help me lose that part of me for a while...

I am The "Everything"

So many happy days pass by,
so many smiles,
that I forget what that sadness was,
what was it again? I can't...remember.....

ahh, yes......
that.
Cold,
Empty,
Darkness....

It used to be the fire underneath me,
now you are.
Is that a mistake?
so quick to turn,
yet quick to turn back,
but all I need is that one moment....
where you let me see...that you are not as high as I sometimes imagine you to be.

But why do I feel this way...whatever,
I just need to remember,
that I am still the everything you say I am;
before you came into my life.....

The ghost of my love for you,

still haunting me sometimes…..
Like letting go all over again,

Songs I haven’t heard since our walks,
Foggy nights thru the grassy paths, and concrete parking lots,
we walked so slow, until the sun would just start to rise,
It was the best part of my everyday,

Sadness, as if I’ve lost so much more,
Perhaps I have….

Snow falls gentley,
And memories flood,
And I drown…..
I miss your sweaters
and the dinners your mom would make for you...
your bright ideas and our conversations that lasted for hours,

Your hearty laugh and charming smile….

I would think of nothing but you everyday, all day
A complete consumption of my entire being,
my love,
for you

but that was then,
this is now,

and there is someone else.

Someone I love very much.

So when times like this pass,
And they do pass,
I cannot help but think,
cannot help but imagine,
For a moment,
I remember your lips on mine and the moments we shared…

Searching for her....

Here I sit.
Waiting

Again.

When will I learn?



......Please make it go away!!.....
make her smile come back and shine! just like it used to be......
and then she whispered;
"how can you do this to me?"
hate me today.....................