Sunday October 29th,
Fuck
Kev and Matt dropped me off at Park Victoria.
I had Craig’s extra helmet for the bike and the four cd’s I had borrowed
He had told me the night b4 over the phone that he might give me a call today but it was 8 o’clock and I knew he wasn’t going to really call.
I don’t think I really admitted to myself what I was doing as I started getting ready to go there in the first place.
I was thinking of him all the time………….
“Why wasn’t he calling me wanting to see me?”
but I knew.
deep inside. I knew…..
”There was someone else…another girl, maybe even two.”
but I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to keep hoping.
“Maybe he would change”
“Maybe I am wrong, or just paranoid…maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt”
. But I really do know better….
“well duh….we aren’t even together so wtf? Whats my problem?............but still…”
So when I buzzed the front door And he let me in,
opened the door for me when I knocked …….Said hello,
(I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time)
Felt like I was scared or something…I couldn’t explain it.
He reminded me of Scotty too much. So –cut off. Cold.
When he saw me put my book bag back on after retrieving the cd’s. He asked,
“You leaving?”
I nodded my head…I think I told him that I had things to do….(at this point the atmosphere suddenly felt slightly tense.)
He smiled and leaned his hands on either sides of the hallway……
That fucking smile……..
“So, how’s work going?”
He’s still smiling
“Fine, everything is great.’
That fucking Bastard…
“And everything else?”
Still smiling…..
“Good Craig………everything is good……………bye.”
(My eyes are very serious I think….I’m always trying to reinforce the gravity of my emotions through my eyes.”(weather or not this helps…I don’t know, but I try, cause I think It works”))
Pulling the door shut behind me,
I turn around and head for the elevator.
My heart is pounding in my ears….”
”God that was soooooo obvious, He had to have known that you were saying “goodbye” ….will he come out and talk to me?
The elevator takes a while to arrive,
I had only spent like two months with him…why does it hurt….?
I feel tears….
WTF? He’s a prick, he dosen’t deserve my tears….
But they’re coming anyway…….
It hurts so much…
I hear the truth inside….
Fuck
Kev and Matt dropped me off at Park Victoria.
I had Craig’s extra helmet for the bike and the four cd’s I had borrowed
He had told me the night b4 over the phone that he might give me a call today but it was 8 o’clock and I knew he wasn’t going to really call.
I don’t think I really admitted to myself what I was doing as I started getting ready to go there in the first place.
I was thinking of him all the time………….
“Why wasn’t he calling me wanting to see me?”
but I knew.
deep inside. I knew…..
”There was someone else…another girl, maybe even two.”
but I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to keep hoping.
“Maybe he would change”
“Maybe I am wrong, or just paranoid…maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt”
. But I really do know better….
“well duh….we aren’t even together so wtf? Whats my problem?............but still…”
So when I buzzed the front door And he let me in,
opened the door for me when I knocked …….Said hello,
(I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time)
Felt like I was scared or something…I couldn’t explain it.
He reminded me of Scotty too much. So –cut off. Cold.
When he saw me put my book bag back on after retrieving the cd’s. He asked,
“You leaving?”
I nodded my head…I think I told him that I had things to do….(at this point the atmosphere suddenly felt slightly tense.)
He smiled and leaned his hands on either sides of the hallway……
That fucking smile……..
“So, how’s work going?”
He’s still smiling
“Fine, everything is great.’
That fucking Bastard…
“And everything else?”
Still smiling…..
“Good Craig………everything is good……………bye.”
(My eyes are very serious I think….I’m always trying to reinforce the gravity of my emotions through my eyes.”(weather or not this helps…I don’t know, but I try, cause I think It works”))
Pulling the door shut behind me,
I turn around and head for the elevator.
My heart is pounding in my ears….”
”God that was soooooo obvious, He had to have known that you were saying “goodbye” ….will he come out and talk to me?
The elevator takes a while to arrive,
I had only spent like two months with him…why does it hurt….?
I feel tears….
WTF? He’s a prick, he dosen’t deserve my tears….
But they’re coming anyway…….
It hurts so much…
I hear the truth inside….
“Melanie. He’s already forgotton about you as he sits back in front of the Sunday football game, with his Dairy Queen burger and fries………………
Why did I allow this shit to happen. What an asshole. He lied about that girl in Newfoundland.! Outright lied to my fucking face. I can’t stand that. Did he think I was stupid?
I know a used flight ticket when I see one.
He’s a fucking coward…
Now, Last night Adam came over…with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
He wanted to have sex, basically. He was trying to hold me and kiss me in my room…
I shouldn’t have invited him over anyway,…….
but I thought I might be able to get some info on Craig so…
still not a very bright idea
but I told him noway, if he was serious he could call me the next day and we could hang out….(he never did call)
He tried pretty hard…pretty pathetic too.
There are “details” but I won’t say, cause if it was to get back to his click I’m sure it would be embarrassing,
or maybe It wouldn’t be. Maybe he wouldn’t care, But I don’t know that, so….
I called Brian,(my chillin buddy) to come smoke with me and we drove Adam home.
I won’t mention that Adam made some unnecessary comments to Brain and it almost started a fight…
(military guys always act so macho.. and when filled with liquor….well…..)
over the phone, when Adam called before he came over, he told me that Craig was in his bedroom with his new fling….
Wow.
That hurt.
But really, it did but didn’t surprise me.
I kinda expected it you know, but I just didn’t expect that I would actually hear about it, and from his good friend.
Both of them are bad guys.
I don’t really want Criag in my life. I selfishly wanted him to want me. I just wanted to be wanted….
In Craigs words I was basically taking the first guy to come along…him…but that didn’t mean I wasn’t growing attached…
and now that I think about it…Craig told me that he was growing fond of me…uh huh…..he probably only said that to keep me hanging on…
God I was such a fool….
Really…..
I really need someone like P in my life.
I won’t settle.
But I definitely won’t let this happen again.
I should have never of went home with him in the first place…..but God I was so lonely.
Man, the sex wasn’t even that good. Seriously, I could go into detail….but that’s gross.
So. That’s the story of August 26th to October 29th.
Some good times.
Some bad times.
There were moments, really, when I though, that he might be more, I think I saw some potential in him. I always get excited about personal growth; But He didn’t see it…
Ryan said, that night, I was jumping up and down as soon as Craig was at my side. My eyes were wide open and a big smile on my face…..He said I looked so in love….
Maybe I was….almost…. But almost doesn’t count. And never will. Now all that is left are the thoughts of why. And what if……..
It’s really unfortunate. But shit happens.
I guess, in hindsight, This is the best thing to happen anyway. All we did was party and fuck.I wasted a lot of weekends on these “activities” with Criag instead of working. I lost over 1200 because of him….
And spent hundreds of dollars at the bar……..*sigh*
I learned though….
I miss P
Why did I have to be white?
Fucking lebs…….:P
I know a used flight ticket when I see one.
He’s a fucking coward…
Now, Last night Adam came over…with a bottle of Jack Daniels.
He wanted to have sex, basically. He was trying to hold me and kiss me in my room…
I shouldn’t have invited him over anyway,…….
but I thought I might be able to get some info on Craig so…
still not a very bright idea
but I told him noway, if he was serious he could call me the next day and we could hang out….(he never did call)
He tried pretty hard…pretty pathetic too.
There are “details” but I won’t say, cause if it was to get back to his click I’m sure it would be embarrassing,
or maybe It wouldn’t be. Maybe he wouldn’t care, But I don’t know that, so….
I called Brian,(my chillin buddy) to come smoke with me and we drove Adam home.
I won’t mention that Adam made some unnecessary comments to Brain and it almost started a fight…
(military guys always act so macho.. and when filled with liquor….well…..)
over the phone, when Adam called before he came over, he told me that Craig was in his bedroom with his new fling….
Wow.
That hurt.
But really, it did but didn’t surprise me.
I kinda expected it you know, but I just didn’t expect that I would actually hear about it, and from his good friend.
Both of them are bad guys.
I don’t really want Criag in my life. I selfishly wanted him to want me. I just wanted to be wanted….
In Craigs words I was basically taking the first guy to come along…him…but that didn’t mean I wasn’t growing attached…
and now that I think about it…Craig told me that he was growing fond of me…uh huh…..he probably only said that to keep me hanging on…
God I was such a fool….
Really…..
I really need someone like P in my life.
I won’t settle.
But I definitely won’t let this happen again.
I should have never of went home with him in the first place…..but God I was so lonely.
Man, the sex wasn’t even that good. Seriously, I could go into detail….but that’s gross.
So. That’s the story of August 26th to October 29th.
Some good times.
Some bad times.
There were moments, really, when I though, that he might be more, I think I saw some potential in him. I always get excited about personal growth; But He didn’t see it…
Ryan said, that night, I was jumping up and down as soon as Craig was at my side. My eyes were wide open and a big smile on my face…..He said I looked so in love….
Maybe I was….almost…. But almost doesn’t count. And never will. Now all that is left are the thoughts of why. And what if……..
It’s really unfortunate. But shit happens.
I guess, in hindsight, This is the best thing to happen anyway. All we did was party and fuck.I wasted a lot of weekends on these “activities” with Criag instead of working. I lost over 1200 because of him….
And spent hundreds of dollars at the bar……..*sigh*
I learned though….
I miss P
Why did I have to be white?
Fucking lebs…….:P
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