This was then,.....

Oct 31


What is this?

C,

You are still in my head..

I thought leaving you would stop these feelings… but honestly I feel so incredibly drawn to you. ..
This is so sick. I know you are so bad for me. A Waste of time. You would never love me. I would be so used,

but it’s like I want to feel that… but I want more too…
It’s like I can’t stop myself. I have no control.

Always thinking about why YOU aren’t blowing up MY phone. Always calling, Wanting to see me and hang with me.
Talk with me, make love to me, see the world together.. well, whatever.

But -you just don’t care.. I don’t know. What is it about me that doesn’t make you feel drawn to me too, am I not pretty enough, sexy enough, smart, driven for success, strong…did I not “fulfill your sexual fantasies?”

What’s wrong with me?
Why am I not good enough for you?

______________________________________________________

Looking back to a similar time….

I didn’t want to feel anything when P left me.

I was smoking up as soon as I woke up..on the way to work…during every break(all three). And smoking the way home, and once I got home. I HATED everything. I hurt so much….But funny…really,
It does still hurt, I’ve been in so much pain for so long. Dad leaving, troubles at home with the rest of the family.
Akward living arrangements, Strange new adventures everyday at work. Jumping from job to job, always thinking about the next job and where the money’s going to come from. Bills, thinking about finally getting on to pay my debts and fines so I can start planning an amazing future.
I want so much.
And I know I can have it all if I just research, plan with caution and an open mind, with determination and integrity. I can make all I need to live comfortably and provide security for my family.