Rock Hard Beauty!

The list

I woke from my dream this morning,
Panic, Anxiety....Scared shitless really.

Its good to finally shake that off,
knowing that whatever my mind can fathom while I sleep,
is never what I have to live with.

Sort of.

I Mean,
There is a self consciousness that has developed,
over the years...
always makes things a little challenging for me.

I know its not really what I think it is,
but that's how it feels for me.
I can relax most of the time,

but often,
it catches up with me,
and I have to get out right away.

Run home,
back to my comfort zone: whatever that may be, driving around alone,
listening to the songs I can relate to,
coffee by the lake,
walking that trail,
snuggle with Bones...(Meow face)

I never used to be like that. I could do whatever for however long, but I guess years of having your own way, in a way, defects you.

Ha. I'm defected product. Yes, yes I am!!

Beautiful.
Can't you see it.
Whatever you truly are,
it is still admirable if you can be honest with yourself
and admit your disposition.

and there is some beauty in that too.
almost attractive, to know your self to come face to face with it all....

I procrastinate.
I am obnoxious.
I am angry.
I am paranoid.
I am Vain.
I am mean.

but can be extremely sympathetic and empathetic.
I love to be there for you if I can, but I am selfish too.

HA! Where are the others like me? I am so many other things! I cannot list them all! I know you are too!

What is on your list?

Burned

you know I can see,
all the ways
you separate yourself
from every single day...

you say I make no sense
I just make this up in my head
that your lack of sensitivity
is something someone else has said

you never want to share
you pull away
and never get too close
I'm feeling stripped and bare

what are you so frightened of
I'm not here to steal anything away
but there's no getting through to you
there's no smile in your day.......... no way

what would you do?
if you were in my shoes?
would you stay ?
in hopes for change?

would you keep holding on
keep silent when it burns
all the times when our
love never takes turns?

what are you so frightened of
I'm not here to steal anything away
but there's no getting through to you
there's no smile in your day.......... no way

a broken heart like mine,
won't stay in pieces with you,
its getting late and baby,
I'm feeling like a fool

my eyes don't lie and soon in time
you'll wake to find,
that yesterday was just too late
and my love can't rewind

I'm fadin' baby,
its getting late, say goodnight,
pull me close and hold me tight,

tomorrow is another day.....

what are you so frightened of
I'm not here to steal anything away
but there's no getting through to you
there's no smile in your day.......... no way

tomorrow is another day.....
tomorrow is another day.....

thunder showers

the thunder above my head
is not as loud
as the ringing in my ears..
those words you said...

the rain that falls
and soaks me through
the tears that fall
because of you

as I watch your tail lights disappear
my heart wrenches,
and the loneliness creeps near...

I didn't see it coming
and I never thought twice
that my irrational disposition
would be the final roll of the dice

and I took you for granted
thought myself so high
messed around and looked down
and didn't let you try

to even give once chance
to anything that could be
better than what it was
better than me

and now I think I see your signal light
wheels splash the puddled street
there is one last chance to roll the dice
and now where will we meet?

and I took you for granted
thought myself so high
messed around and looked down
and didn't let you try

to even give once chance
to anything that could be
better than what it was
better than me

If only

and I remember
the burning ember
we called our love

and now the ashes
that I live in
fooling me
and everything I see...


and everything I want to be..

for you
for you

and everything I want to say

to you
to you


but soon, everything Is gonna be alright
cause there's no more time to fight

cause when I'm in your arms
I'm spell bound by your charms..

baby baby can't you see,
your the only one for me

the only one who makes me feel
that this life can be so real

if only I had you
if only I had you

and this chance may just be our last
lets forget about the past

I know I was no good
I did things I never should...

but I never knew,
I knew knew just what it was
just what I had
and now I want it soooo bad

baby baby can't you see
our the only one for me

the only one who makes me feel
that this life can be so real

if only I had you
if only I had you

I am the evil

you so often speak of...

that clouds your mind,

and brings all that black...

I drown
in all your shallow pools of love

your love...

its fills my lungs

as I gasp for air,

chocking on your love soaked words

I fall and hit my wall.....

There is nothing more beautiful

than the death
of a kingdom
at the port of Hyades oblivion....

this is where it all began
and ended
in that very same moment...

Hunter's Kiss- Rasputina

It’s the sad story
About a dear and a man.
A romantic scene,
From a lullaby,
In a clearing green
Where his eyes met mine.
I was froze in motion,
Oh, his bow was raised,
Then the fleeting notion-
That my life he’d save.
But I saw it coming,
Flying through the air,
Feathered backside humming,
Missed me-hit me-Where?
Where it will only hurt me,
Not a mortal wound,
Leave me lying dirty-
Someone would find me soon.
I have never
Felt like this before,
Felt my body sinking
To the grassy floor.
No, I have never
Known a love like this-
Felt the flaming arrows
Of the Hunter’s Kiss.
My life is not mine,
Like a dog or a wife.
He has taken his time,
He has taken my life.
I could see the steaming
Of his cloudy breath.
No I was not dreaming,
I was next to Death.
As I lay there twitching,
Then my legs were tied,
There was nothing missing
On the day I died.
I have never
Felt like this before,
Felt my body sinking
To the grassy floor.
No, I have never
Known a love like this-
Felt the flaming arrows
Of the Hunter’s Kiss.
I have never
Felt like this before,
Felt my body sinking
To the grassy floor.
No, I have never
Known a love like this-
Felt the flaming arrows
Of the Hunter’s Ki-ki-kiss.

ocean inside

I want my frustration to burn the world alive


I want the earth to know my pain.



the ache inside


that tears me apart



deep with in


my heart:



dried roses on the wall

a withered love in free fall


still the moment begs to be lived

to try again



but no one is listening


no one

not this time....

all the things

you told me all the reasons why you cared


now you tell me there's nothing that we shared


I'm lost in my everyday

lost inside my love for you


will I lose you again?

will I lose it all


again


the smell of everything we had

the taste of everyday

still lingers on the tip of my tongue

like all the words I say

to tell you that I love you



but its not enough

it never was


it never will be



and hatred is all I have left


for myself


for you

and all the things


that I do


to try



to tell you

that I


love you

inside

clouds pass by


pushed by the wind..

softly

slowly

they float over me


shadows cast

but they pass
they pass



shadows

shadows



baby
can you tell me?

why you hide your shadows?


deep inside?
in your eyes?


when you look at me

they pass over me

your shadows

but they pass

they pass


shadows

shadows

last day

stretched so far

stretched too long...


baby?

where is my love?

where are my roses my kisses and sighs?

where is the ecstasy that tightens my thighs

your hand on my breast

your lips on my mouth

I can't remember when it was last

time drifts between us

time goes too fast..



my mind is on fire

my heart burning with fear

that this: your "love"

the message

is too clear


its not here


Its behind us :

back where we began...


lost in the everyday

lost in demand


I want to hang on

but I'm pulling away


this just might be



our last day

"Full speed ahead baby......"

From the First Kiss, tasting of the Evil.
To the last time I held you, burning with
Frustration
Knowing that it is never to be.
I can only say of the moments between
I was Awakened.

A safe place....

"You Could Be Happy"

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

I'm so upset right now...

I keep pretending everything is fine....
everything is changing, I am changing ...

choosing different things..

instead of the old...

but

FUCK IT'S ALL ITS SUCH A LIE!!!!!

I have to smile all day long,

breathe melanie just breathe.

It's all I can do to keep my feet on the ground.

I'm so tired of everyone.

Part of me wants to scream at them
and maybe
run away.



but no matter where I go....

there I'll be.

C seems to have no fucking clue,

the turmoil in my head all day long.

Where did it all go?

I wish I could just leave sometimes....

I hate his voice when it tells me I am just listening to strange sounds.....


I wish..I long for a partner who desires the different and strange with me..

someone who listens...


someone who really loves.....

everything about me....

including me

fuck

system failure in t-minus 5 minutes


BREATHE...
_________________



a haze confines the mind


compleatly..



lo s in g t ou c h ....


falling fur t h e r D

o
w

n


further away

release

how did we get here?

There's nothing in the space between us

but a fire


that burns

everything

in it's path


quenching its thirst for oxygen,

swallowing the air we breath

filling our lungs and eyes

until we explode into flames


stand before me

with nothing in your hands

with nothing in your hands

with nothing in your hands


and strike down all your circumventions

with every color black you own

and all the stars to hold you high


no words left to speak
nothing in my mouth
but tears that sting the red

of fire on my face
that dances in your eyes

the demon plays us both
puppets on his stage


our love

his playground

for death

eating my dreams..

man, its so tense inside my head right now. feels like i won't make it.

really though

My brain will short circuit and I

won't be able to breathe......




folding back into myself

I grasp the floating lies above me
searching for myself in it all

there I only chase the black that
never sleeps

there i fall

is it hard for you when it sounds like that
does it keep you awake too?


so awake

in the pitch black

of my anticipated turmoil

where could you and I possible go
when we're trapped in yesterday?

facing forward,

crying

the stars swallow us into the abyss

of our nothing

missing my lady

what?

if you only had any idea of the insanity inside my head...

they'd lock me away for good.


and certainly through away the key ..
or give it to some German pharmaceutical company to carry out chemical experiments on me.


as Craig put it,
endless tunnels twisting every which way all leading nowhere or often right back where they started...

but its pretty colorful inside though!!! :)

I feel hopeless and hopeful all at once.
optimistic pessimist:(

totally fucked

I can't decided what I what to do

career

hobbies


I've got my fingertips dipped in so many bowls...
but it all seems pointless and a waste of time,

I feel like I cheat and lie to myself

but I feel so honest and real to myself

if I whole heartedly embrace my misfit self what would happen?

I deny, I change my mind, I go back to what I originally said and then I totally forget.
where is the beauty in this?

HA! I'll tell you, there most certainly is a challenge.

Do you know what its like to wake up to this head every day?


I love hating it and I hate...hating it I think..or what? what did I just say?

fuck...


Wish I could just win the lottery.

another sigh

my eyes unwillingly

slowly soak it all up

a Grey cloud hovers below

the twisted words you chewed up on me

now lay scrambled and unfit on the floor

a hissing venom; they wind themselves in coils

a black ooze, your loving whispers

constricting all color from life

nothing left
but the Grey cloud

that hovers below

Letters from love

You're amazing sweetheart...you are turning into everything I ever wanted from a companion/girlfriend. The way I look at it is I need a partner, almost like a business partner, to work with to make sure my desires, and lifetime goals, are met. You are doing more than you know to fulfill that void in my life that no other woman has been able to accomplish.

In fact, right now, you are more of the person that I want to be than I am. Help me, I need to be more like you!

I'm lucky,
Craig(Yeah the Park Vic Craig, you won me over)

divorce victim (the child)

I can't believe

its happening

all over again


but though someone else.

you spit out all your hatred of yourself on us

because you can't communicate

your frustration or your hate



to the ones who need guidance and love

needing patience

you could never provide

and we are

twisted and torn

warped and worn


losing faith

losing trust


in the one who was supposed to be

the one person who could help us see


who we could grow to be


but malnourished is our relationship

and we fail and fall and trip


relentless useless

endless pointless

our voices lost in all that nothing

Missing her

sigh of relief

The way I think today....

would obliterate my whole world four years ago......


Finally, as I have know it for some time know, my mind is free...


years ago...I still wondered.


I still wonder,

but I also know...


and oh the love I have for myself
Oh how I am my best friend and really

really


I feel so much better


but I am still lost



but aren't we all.



xoxo

hold me sweet
hold me dear
hold me baby
here comes the fear

the night is closing in on us
and
the wrinkles on your face
tell me I won't sleep well tonight

I won't sleep at all



think I'll go for that walk


tonight

"Bones The Cat"

fabricated fancies

Filling me up slowly

taking me over

letting it take control,


I know what this is...

I don't need your fictitious interpretations

just let me go...



I'll crumble

I'll crawl

I'll hit my wall


but I will always be here

with myself.


at least I can count on that.

I love this city.

My birthday is coming up next week. We're having the house warming the same day.
I am hoping for a decent turn out.

I miss my friends..

I often miss the old gang too,

.....

but in all it's place


I'm filling that with family time

and creative time...



Getting back to me.


Just



and only





me

sudden death

help

help

I'm down here

here in the fire again

a flame I thought could set me free

has left me burned

and I can't see

what used to be right in front of me..



a sense of wonder


a sense of self


purpose

drive



I felt alive



now I cannot even breathe

I cannot see the surface from where I lay


I've lost my breath


I've lost my way

sandman

butterfly

kisses

on my face


softest blue eyes piecing deeply

you trickle into my hair

my legs turn to water

and float away

with me

I never dreamed

of anything at all

and i know

I've never

seen a dream

like you

before

what do you

think of this


pulling me deeper

with your hands

into this

feathery

delight

I never dreamed

of anything so true

nothing

ever

but now I cannot

stop dreaming

of you