C

through the static of the phone,

your voice sung out to me,

has it only been that long,

you must have changed the subject at least three times...

I guess I still can't believe how hung up I was over you....

And part of me still wants revenge....

...

I don't want to stay,

please death,
take me away.

whisper my name

softley speak of your love for me,

hold me,

help me slip away....

trying to see....
thru your eyes,

trying to see through the lies

What is real
how you feel,

Don't let go.
I should have told you so,

That I loved you from the start,
I never had a doubt,

But it's too late,
for sorry now,

I want to tell you anyway,
but you can't hear me

your listening to her......

DEFTONES...for me, cause it's right on the money.Thanks C, I still hate you.

I watched you change,
into a fly,

I looked away,
you were on fire,

and I watched you change in you,
like you never had wings,

now, you feel so alive,
I 've watched you change,

I took you home,
set you on the glass,

I pulled of your wings
then I laughed.

And I've watched you changed,
like you never had wings,


I look at the cross,
then I look away,
I give you the gun,
Please
...blow me away...

Coming down hard.....

anxiety anxiety...
pulsing ,
pushing

harder and harder.
farther and farther,

'cause tonight....
I feel like.....

feeling like I did before...
nothing

laying here on the floor,
choking on my dreams..

tried, but knowing I could have tried harder...
feeling colder as it all sinks in.

the truth of you.

left again

I can see the lies
it's all in your eyes

but I hate to be alone,
but thats the only time I cry.

i know I deserve better than this,
so do you,

but you let me stay, for a while anyway.....

untill the fun runs dry,

and you don't answer the phone,

but your friends call me.....
they told me you were busy with her

and I still remember you,
and all your funny smiles

wondering if it was me all along,
wondering if you were always pretending,

now I know,
you ment it all.

every word.

to push me further down...

fake?

I just want to push you away from me,
what makes you so different?

Your words are the same as them all,
I've heard it before...

But your hands hold me softer...
or do I just think they do?

And your lips kiss me sweeter,
or am I just imagining it?

Damn.
I hate this.

I've imagined you leaving me already,
I guess I've already decided for you....

because I can't trust anymore......
and you have the world to thank for that....

Today

Thinking about when I was living in Bridgewater. Living in my bachlorette. Thinking about my future.

And here I am. One the phone with a client, negotiating a price for a job. Scheduling a convenient time when I will go to their house to work on their basement…..

Travis said…” I’m so proud of you babe…” when I got off the phone…”

Maybe I’ll be a life altering impact in his life like P was to me…..

Can’t believe this is me sometimes…..Thanks P.

Can you even understand the gravity of how I feel about all this?

I feel so lost sometimes….but I hide it so well.

…so well…..

Making myself remember why....there's only me.

Don't take my heart away....
Please don' t leave, just stay,

I want to hold you close.
Feel your warmth, because I feel so cold......

I want to touch your heart,
Because your touching mine..... but still it aches.......

But this is an ache from the past. Something noone can fix.
I still feel that lonliness....It's like p said,

At the end of the day, it's only yourself.... no matter what.

How can I ever believe there will ever be anyone for me, if this is the truth.

I wonder if I will ever love again....
Like I did before, with compleate abandon.

Now I just feel abandoned......

At least I know that I will be here for me......
But it's so cold here.....and when I hold myself...I can never stop shaking....

Untill I fall asleep........

Now this is NOW!

Big brown eyes have stolen my heart.....

I think I'm falling....

But C ruined it for me...(among a few others)I think everybody lies to me. Everyone lies to eachother. Why would anyone do other wise?

I think this one will REALLY have to work if he wants my....l.. lo...l... you know ...THAT "L" word.

Yikes!!

But we totally killed the skate park last night! I escaped with only a bruised up knee.
Travis though,.....his ankle was sooooo swollen last night. and this morn. He came home for
lunch and we put the ice back on....

It was so nice to have him come home......Yeah I was home for the morning anyway...Work is dwindleing...but there will be no rest for me! I must carry on! I will work 3, 4 jobs if I have to.

At lest untill the spring when things start to pick up again....

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate. Germaine Grear:1939-, Australian Feminist Writer

This is now.....but still then.

Sunday October 29th,

Fuck

Kev and Matt dropped me off at Park Victoria.

I had Craig’s extra helmet for the bike and the four cd’s I had borrowed

He had told me the night b4 over the phone that he might give me a call today but it was 8 o’clock and I knew he wasn’t going to really call.

I don’t think I really admitted to myself what I was doing as I started getting ready to go there in the first place.

I was thinking of him all the time………….

“Why wasn’t he calling me wanting to see me?”

but I knew.

deep inside. I knew…..

”There was someone else…another girl, maybe even two.”

but I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to keep hoping.

“Maybe he would change”

“Maybe I am wrong, or just paranoid…maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt”

. But I really do know better….

“well duh….we aren’t even together so wtf? Whats my problem?............but still…”

So when I buzzed the front door And he let me in,

opened the door for me when I knocked …….Said hello,

(I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time)
Felt like I was scared or something…I couldn’t explain it.

He reminded me of Scotty too much. So –cut off. Cold.
When he saw me put my book bag back on after retrieving the cd’s. He asked,

“You leaving?”

I nodded my head…I think I told him that I had things to do….(at this point the atmosphere suddenly felt slightly tense.)
He smiled and leaned his hands on either sides of the hallway……

That fucking smile……..

“So, how’s work going?”

He’s still smiling

“Fine, everything is great.’

That fucking Bastard…

“And everything else?”

Still smiling…..

“Good Craig………everything is good……………bye.”

(My eyes are very serious I think….I’m always trying to reinforce the gravity of my emotions through my eyes.”(weather or not this helps…I don’t know, but I try, cause I think It works”))

Pulling the door shut behind me,

I turn around and head for the elevator.

My heart is pounding in my ears….”

”God that was soooooo obvious, He had to have known that you were saying “goodbye” ….will he come out and talk to me?

The elevator takes a while to arrive,

I had only spent like two months with him…why does it hurt….?

I feel tears….

WTF? He’s a prick, he dosen’t deserve my tears….

But they’re coming anyway…….

It hurts so much…

I hear the truth inside….

“Melanie. He’s already forgotton about you as he sits back in front of the Sunday football game, with his Dairy Queen burger and fries………………

Why did I allow this shit to happen. What an asshole. He lied about that girl in Newfoundland.! Outright lied to my fucking face. I can’t stand that. Did he think I was stupid?
I know a used flight ticket when I see one.

He’s a fucking coward…

Now, Last night Adam came over…with a bottle of Jack Daniels.


He wanted to have sex, basically. He was trying to hold me and kiss me in my room…

I shouldn’t have invited him over anyway,…….

but I thought I might be able to get some info on Craig so…

still not a very bright idea

but I told him noway, if he was serious he could call me the next day and we could hang out….(he never did call)
He tried pretty hard…pretty pathetic too.

There are “details” but I won’t say, cause if it was to get back to his click I’m sure it would be embarrassing,

or maybe It wouldn’t be. Maybe he wouldn’t care, But I don’t know that, so….

I called Brian,(my chillin buddy) to come smoke with me and we drove Adam home.

I won’t mention that Adam made some unnecessary comments to Brain and it almost started a fight…
(military guys always act so macho.. and when filled with liquor….well…..)

over the phone, when Adam called before he came over, he told me that Craig was in his bedroom with his new fling….

Wow.

That hurt.

But really, it did but didn’t surprise me.

I kinda expected it you know, but I just didn’t expect that I would actually hear about it, and from his good friend.

Both of them are bad guys.

I don’t really want Criag in my life. I selfishly wanted him to want me. I just wanted to be wanted….

In Craigs words I was basically taking the first guy to come along…him…but that didn’t mean I wasn’t growing attached…

and now that I think about it…Craig told me that he was growing fond of me…uh huh…..he probably only said that to keep me hanging on…

God I was such a fool….

Really…..

I really need someone like P in my life.

I won’t settle.

But I definitely won’t let this happen again.

I should have never of went home with him in the first place…..but God I was so lonely.

Man, the sex wasn’t even that good. Seriously, I could go into detail….but that’s gross.


So. That’s the story of August 26th to October 29th.

Some good times.

Some bad times.

There were moments, really, when I though, that he might be more, I think I saw some potential in him. I always get excited about personal growth; But He didn’t see it…

Ryan said, that night, I was jumping up and down as soon as Craig was at my side. My eyes were wide open and a big smile on my face…..He said I looked so in love….

Maybe I was….almost…. But almost doesn’t count. And never will. Now all that is left are the thoughts of why. And what if……..

It’s really unfortunate. But shit happens.

I guess, in hindsight, This is the best thing to happen anyway. All we did was party and fuck.I wasted a lot of weekends on these “activities” with Criag instead of working. I lost over 1200 because of him….
And spent hundreds of dollars at the bar……..*sigh*

I learned though….

I miss P

Why did I have to be white?

Fucking lebs…….:P

This was then,.....

Oct 31


What is this?

C,

You are still in my head..

I thought leaving you would stop these feelings… but honestly I feel so incredibly drawn to you. ..
This is so sick. I know you are so bad for me. A Waste of time. You would never love me. I would be so used,

but it’s like I want to feel that… but I want more too…
It’s like I can’t stop myself. I have no control.

Always thinking about why YOU aren’t blowing up MY phone. Always calling, Wanting to see me and hang with me.
Talk with me, make love to me, see the world together.. well, whatever.

But -you just don’t care.. I don’t know. What is it about me that doesn’t make you feel drawn to me too, am I not pretty enough, sexy enough, smart, driven for success, strong…did I not “fulfill your sexual fantasies?”

What’s wrong with me?
Why am I not good enough for you?

______________________________________________________

Looking back to a similar time….

I didn’t want to feel anything when P left me.

I was smoking up as soon as I woke up..on the way to work…during every break(all three). And smoking the way home, and once I got home. I HATED everything. I hurt so much….But funny…really,
It does still hurt, I’ve been in so much pain for so long. Dad leaving, troubles at home with the rest of the family.
Akward living arrangements, Strange new adventures everyday at work. Jumping from job to job, always thinking about the next job and where the money’s going to come from. Bills, thinking about finally getting on to pay my debts and fines so I can start planning an amazing future.
I want so much.
And I know I can have it all if I just research, plan with caution and an open mind, with determination and integrity. I can make all I need to live comfortably and provide security for my family.

Ruin....

Here I find myself again,

I hate it all.

Every time you look at me…

Your eyes piercing right through me,

I can’t control it,

It’s like I’m lost inside someone else.

This can’t be me,

I would never do this,

To myself,

Feeling so used. Everything I did, just to get you to smile-

I regret it all.

And you just smiled at me as I left,

Closing the door behind me.

The couple in the elevator,

Didn’t see the tears .

But the wind wiped them away

Every step of my long walk home

I can still see your face looking up at me.

I could have sworn I heard your eyes crying out to me….

When you held me and took me home all those nights.

Lost in a blow of lights,

But it wasn’t me.

Because I could never be her…

And you just smiled at me as I left,

Closing the door behind me,

Your eyes piercing right through me…..

Didn’t see the tears…..

You could have been more….with me..

In the wired....

Finally connected to that great big circuitboard in the sky.....but is there any going back?

Will I be drawn in? Ha!

No really. anyway. Buisness is great!

even thought noone has a sweet clue what I'm talking about.....

I'll update later. just in time...

if your lucky

Everything is still not quite ...arranged...
heehee

this is gunna be good...

It'as been a while,

but I am testing new waters.

You won't believe what I've found.....

These r my bro's! props!!!

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I really want to sit on Santa's lap! xoxo

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A picture is worth a thousend words! xoxo

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Dad

I love my parents.
My father left my mom(yeah they were married) when I was three( I think). My mum was heartbroken.

But Strong, moved on. And found someone wonderful. Who loved her so much.And they were happy. The divorce from my biological dad took a lot out of my mom. She and I fought like cats and dogs till the day she kicked me out for good.But Dad was always ther to try and mediate as best he could. He never lost his temper or stepped out of line even when I would time and time again. He was a great father. Is a great father.

21 years later her heart was broken again. But this time she won't leave ...and I don't know what to do.They share a family, including Yis, my 19 year old sis.(She's in UNB)R,my 16 yr bro and sweet Ev only 13. Ry knows......But he's like someone out of Eminems rap songs:
"with his headphones blarin' he's alone in his own world cold, and uncaring"

I talked with him but It felt like I might as well have talked to the wall.I know he's hurting inside. hurting...confused.frustrated. feeling betrayed.

I wish I knew what to do. I hurt so much. Will I be without a father agin.
What's going to happen. I am tired of crying and Mom...
I am so worried about her.she won't leave him even thought he was the one who was wrong. She just want's him to love her. She has changed her life for him so many times over. Moved where he wanted to move. Part of me knows there is a fault with her. Perhaps she should have been more independent...but it's too late for that..I took time off work (my personal vacation time) to come down and confront dad and tell him nopt to leave . that he has a respnsibility to his children. Ry needs him. Yissa needs him. And Ev needs him the most.He is only 13!!!

I was feeling so sick.....so scared. I just wanted to go back to the city. Back home and hide in my room safe from this uncertinty.but a friend called me and talked with me and made me see I can't run away from this. and niether can dad. If I don't get this off my chest I will carry it on my back. I have the chance to talk now if I don't take it. shit might hit the fan when I leave and I am not here to say my piece.
Tomorrow we will be moving concreate slabs to design a walkway in the back yard. I will talk then.
See, why would he want to invest his time in the house if he wasn't going to stay. He must want to stay. right?
so many times over again I have talk myself into believeing that it's not that big a deal...mom is really ok...maybe it will just....disapear...*Poof*............

No. This will never go away. Ever. It will not be forgotten.
But maybe forgiven.

They just went to bed, Mom and dad. I said goodnight to them both. told dad to wake me in the morn.......He is so oblivious..to my knowlege...my hurt...but tomorrow I will pour my heart out before him to see, all the love I still, and always will have for him. My dad.

I love you . I am sorry if I never said it enough.

I forgive you. I accept you. We are only human, We make mistakes.

Goodnight.